My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
