I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
