Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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