Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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