9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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