If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
