Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i've created a new STD.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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