Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
