It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Two words: blizzard sex
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
