Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
