I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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