how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
