Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
