What did we do last night that was yellow?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
