Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
