Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Omg I joined a choir last night...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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