Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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