Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
