the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
