yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You made out with two different species that night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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