The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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