lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
