Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Who died my cat blue again?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
