you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
