I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
