He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
