omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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