Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
