You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
