He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
