Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Randomize
