I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
