lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
