I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't deserve a penis
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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