she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
