It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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