A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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