If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
