I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
