I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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