Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
