I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
