So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
