I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
