I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
