Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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