Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
