i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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