I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
