these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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