cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
