Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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