I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I want her autograph on my taint
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
